So… NOW what?

When I went to bed on the evening of the 22nd, all of my feelings came out in a great rush that almost overwhelmed me. I sobbed, and sobbed until my nose was too stuffed up to breathe, clinging to my husband, totally unprepared for how much everything hurt. It was like the very second I gave myself a moment to relax, a great wave slammed into me. And then, all of a sudden, I was asleep.

The next day was my daughter’s second birthday, and we went to a petting zoo further along the coast. We had a fantastic time, and although she skipped her nap altogether she really seemed to have a great day.

But we still had to discuss the issue of what to do next. With the failure of this IVF cycle, my period would be sure to show up soon, and we needed to decide: would we be trying again immediately? What was our next course of action?

And there were more things to consider. The daycare at my husband’s workplace told us that they would have a place open for our daughter from July, which meant her pre-entry adjustment period would be in June. This also means that I can finally start attending Japanese language school from July, as the school offers new course starts every three months rather than just at the start of the school year in April. If I had been lucky enough to get pregnant during this cycle, I would be close to the second (read: easier) trimester in July, which would have made everything moderately reasonable in terms of timing and so on. But… well, you know.

And then… what about my parents? I haven’t seen them since May 2017. Five years! In 2018 we had just moved from Osaka to Kanagawa; in 2019 we were undergoing IVF, and after that… Japan has been closed to tourists for longer than my daughter has been alive. Even without that issue to consider, the more time passes, the more difficult it becomes for my parents to make the long journey over here. Plus: if we ever have a second child (hah), the journey across would become infinitely more challenging for me, too. So…? I wouldn’t have felt comfortable travelling internationally during pregnancy but since I’m not pregnant, is now, perhaps, the best time…?

I mean, there is still covid to consider. And there’s Russia, damn Russia, making everything more difficult too. But…?! Even before getting the news about the IVF results, my husband and I had been discussing my daughter and I going back home for a couple of weeks. We compared flights, and debated the pros and cons of different flight routes. And then, with the negative pregnancy test and the ideal window growing ever-narrower…

Done. Bought. Confirmed.

Straight after Japan’s Golden Week, my daughter and I are going to make a 14-and-a-half hour flight up across Alaska (my first time crossing the International Date Line!) and over the Arctic to get to England, and then travel over Turkey, Kazakhstan and southern Mongolia on a 14-hour journey back to Japan before the end of the month.

Fourteen-hour flights, just me and my two-year-old. Oh god.

I’ve received lots of good advice from friends who have flown with toddlers before (my favourite funny tip was definitely from a Russian friend, which was “drink vodka” 😂) but I guess we can’t really know how things will go until they’re already underway. I’m already praying we don’t cause too much grief for other passengers, and that the other passengers are responsible about wearing masks and avoiding travelling while sick…

But still, I’m finally going to see my parents again. I might have cried a little bit, once it properly sunk in. Five years is such a long time. They’re finally going to meet my daughter.

There’s so much I need to do!!